Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? If not, you need to sort this out. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. The timeline seems off here. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. Lindsay Yeah.. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. allathian Could that be why theyve been there so much? Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. lets_be_honest On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. GatorGirl 2. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Like he was programmed that way. Too much info missing. I would plan some things. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Francine Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! I wouldnt worry about ityet. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. 1. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Im torn. demoiselle He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Or pick berries. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. LW, what everyone else said. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. hops the bus and goes straight home. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. CottonTheCuteDog It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. . So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) I married an apron-strings boy like that. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? lets_be_honest I have been marriend two my husband for five years. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Red_Lady I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. if you dont want there to be issues. Will.i.am ele4phant Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? GatorGirl For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Just plan something, anything. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Hes going to choose you. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. ReginaRey and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Also, make plans with friends. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. silver_dragon_girl But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. That was seven years ago. Some families really are just that close. 1. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. You arent happy and yet you stay. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. It doesnt scream big problem to me. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Blondie However, my husband isnt like that at all. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. This is something about him that will likely never change. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. if it works for you, thats all that matters. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. muchachaenlaventana I think its also different when it isnt your family. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. This is how children are taught. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Make plans for activities. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. We just got thru the holidays. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. At best, you will an appendage to his family. ReginaRey I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? I dont think that is healthy. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. Ann Cannon. John Rohan Cue unintelligble grumbling. I stand by it. Im in the same situation as well. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. And I think this is the case here. artsielady. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). I am actually not promoting anything. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. At best, a season and a half. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. What should I do? My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. I agree with you. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung
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