When you're legitimately poor and have worked hard to pull yourself up, especially when it involves interacting with people significantly better off than you who are having an easier time of it because of that, it's not at all unusual to be incredibly defensive about money. Its often discussed, without the realisation that it is close to the bone. He said if he couldnt love me *that* way, he was certain that there wasnt any female he could. We're in different worlds now. But I could never bring myself to be with someone I didnt truly love, even if it meant frequent trips to Europe and Bergdorfs. Problem solve with her: if your parents visit, what would you like to do? Overall, he was always very fun and truly cared about me as a person. It takes 15 minutes! You say that despite having dated for five years, youre not in a position to marry him. When it comes to extreme wealth, people often think that marriages occur within the same socioeconomic background because of some crazy plutocratic nonsense. In addition to what I mentioned in the previous question, he was adventurous and outdoorsy, which has always been attractive to me in a partner. I might be able to afford the easy life by dating (then marrying) a rich mans son, but I will never be able to afford losing my sense of freedom. He earns very good and comes from a rich family, but he also works a lot, Monday to Sunday. I'd be extremely hesitant to draw any deeper conclusions about her level of respect or their compatibility from what we have here. I'm from Michigan, What does it mean to reinvent yourself and your life at 50? This disparity has never been an issue until recently. I have to post on this because it's so familiar. We hardly see each other, we hardly go on vacations, we're basically just getting by. Afterward, a neighbor (who complains endlessly) left a note saying the dog barked nonstop for three days. He couldnt seem to understand that having to work a crappy job 30 hours a week put me at a distinct disadvantage, while his wealth allowed him the luxury of writing as often as he pleased. for not figuring it out sooner. Of course, Im ultimately happy for him, and Im glad hes living a life that is true to his identity, and I dont regret dating him. Im a mess of nerves and Im luckily in therapy, but Im still in shock. You're growing up with your flight or fight response kicked into high gear and it sucks. For instance, how many people are able to enjoy a lavish lifestyle because of their richer partner and feel like they owe it to their partners to stay in the relationship? Im so confused that he has done this to someone else and Im wondering if he ever loved me or what is going on really. Do you think she Will she affected by my departure? to have to get ahead in life. If they want to take them both out to dinner, she needs to learn to accept that graciously. (Or maybe he has, and you didnt want to interfere with his family plans.). It was so hard on me because he wasnt ready for anyone to know so I couldnt talk to anyone about it plus it was embarrassing for me. What advice would you give to others who have gone through something similar? I understand completely where his GF is coming from. By the time we broke up, Id been playing Daddy Warbucks for so long that she had developed this totally hypocritical sense of entitlement. This is because as soon as she does something bad or you hit a rocky part of your relationship, she will have all the support you are willing to give her thrown back in her face. Why Wont My Boyfriend Skip Family Vacations to Travel With Me? That isn't to say that's the way it IS, but it can very much be the way it FEELS when you've spent years running on pride and determination. I was angry at him for dating other people after we broke up. <3 I can imagine that would be really, really hard. Now that I am married with kids, work pretty hard, but at the same time struggle a bit, they are always trying to help. Can it work out with an ex a bit further down the line? Your life experiences are so alien to each other that it will be difficult to respect and appreciate each other. Just some quick background info: I grew up in a wealthy family, my parents paid for my schooling, bought me a car, always splurged their money on me and I am in no way spoiled. It's not right or wrong, it's just how it is. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. For example, my parents bought me a $60,000 car for my 29th birthday. Again, my feelings are not their fault, but its a price they pay regardless. Like you know some people aren't as lucky, but you don't entirely get it. Its reassuring to see Im not alone. Copyright The Student Room 2023 all rights reserved. Give yourself time to be angry, sad, and confused. This is her story. Yes and no. But it seemed playful, almost like an act. Over time, her concern became increasingly serious. And how many unhappy people are unable to leave a marriage because theyve become dependent on their spouses earnings? It's me, I know, but living a hard life changes and matures you. He was already (privately) questioning his sexuality but really truly loved me (and still does all these years later) but he wasnt in love with me. Why didnt YOU know? ", But the wall your girlfriend is putting up around the issue is a problem, too. Theres no reason why two people who love each other cant surmount the barriers to be faced as you navigate a future together, but yours is deeply embedded and insidious enough to creep up on you when you are most vulnerable. You know what you want, you just need more time + energy to go after it. We reconnected and put our anger cards on the table and then behind us. You said that your parents just gave you a car that was worth three times what her whole family lives on in a year. You say you work in the charity sector, which will have brought you nose to nose with those less privileged than yourself, so you will be better aware than most of the lottery of life and how luck is as much of a currency as talent or tenacity. I completely understand where you are coming from, but you need to understand where she's coming from too. 7 things to know when dating a man with kids Do these statements ring true to you? He has a girlfriend.". We love each other very much, but I don't know if love is enough to maintain a happy long-lasting relationship. And I was like, "Oh God. We had been planning the future together and Im still in love with him. When I first moved to New . The juggernaut viral video platform announced major changes for under-18 users on Wednesday, with a one-hour daily screen . And every single time he did it, I thought: And while they were hardworking in their own right, this ability was something they didnt. I certainly love the things that money can buy me: food, concert tickets, holidays, cars, houses, and so on. For more information, please see our Being around rich guys also makes me feel overly vulnerable. Would you ever want to become a classroom teacher in a low-income area after five weeks of training? Your letter makes plain your conviction of disparity and its that sense of your own shortcomings that will corrode your chances of happiness unless you manage to get it under control. With Andrew Lowery, Traci Lind, Danny Zorn, Edward Herrmann. He was useless at problem solving like a normal person. And do you know why that is? Her parents never supported her. If your boyfriend is unwilling to miss even one family vacation to travel with you, he is telling you something (not great) about your relationship. ", I am really confused as to why she acts this way and immediately becomes defensive whenever this topic comes up. The problem you have isnt with your prospective in-laws, regardless of whether the frequent mentions of the member who married down are intentional or benign. I offered to fund college savings plans for the children and provided contact information to a trusted firm. In addition to this, I get where your girlfriend is coming from. Overall, he was always very fun and truly cared about me as a person. Did everyone know but me?. We have been dating for 8 months. On our second date, he said that he had something to tell me. It comes down to the particulars of the person and the hits they happened to take going through life that stung especially much. All the essentials: top fashion stories, editors picks, and celebrity style. Now that I am two years removed from this experience, I can say that it shook my trusting nature a bit, but didnt erase it completely. That's exactly what happened to Carol in 2008. Touching story I am so glad that you were able to see this fairly to your ex boyfriends side But its understandable that you were experiencing such a range of confusing and negative emotions As someone who is more or less lesbian it is really heartening to see someone who has been through something like this be understanding of what we go through While I know now that I love women I am still not sure about men and I d hate to be in a situation like this For me, and for him. That said, I can see where this would become a point of friction. The latest fashion news, beauty coverage, celebrity style, fashion week updates, culture reviews, and videos on Vogue.com. Maybe you feel resentful that he had it easier because his parents helped him while he was working toward his doctorate and your parents arent. My boyfriend at the time, also a writer, came from a wealthy family who supported him, which meant he never had to worry about depressingly meager paychecks. You know what you want, you just need more time + energy to go after it.Let me help you find it! Thanks for sharing your story. Some call it living the dream, others call it a living nightmare. A reader wants to get away with her boyfriend, but most of his vacation time is spent on costly vacations with his wealthy parents trips she cant afford to go on herself. I feel like my bf doesn't love me anymore and it scares me. Eventually, I moved to another state, and started my own life, and this helped immensely. Remember, once he reaches the age of consent he's gonna need to work his ass off as well. Why is she uninterested in something of real value to her kids? Over the years he would say things to our friends and justify dumping me for reasons outside of his sexuality so that the blame could be placed on me. 1. P.S. I would try to talk to her by telling her that, but by also saying that as someone who IS lucky, you like to share, and that you don't see sharing things with her as saying she "can't do it." The rich or the poor naturally find their intellectual matches generally from their own socioeconomic background. My immediate reaction was to support himbecause he was so emotional. If these conversations havent happened in the five years youve been together, its important that you have them now. Then Ill never forget this it was like a huge, heavy wave washed over me, or more like crashed into me the realization of everything this meant. If anything, I hope it gives you some insight into how your girlfriend might think and open up some dialogue between you two. They have their reasons for offering more help to the son in greater need of it, and if you have a problem with how his parents divvy up their gifts (remember, thats what these contributions aregifts), its important to note that your boyfriend, who is their son, doesnt. I cant lie, I said mean things & basically told him he isnt gay. You dont choose the family background youre born into, after all. Your parents may live in a lowly semi, but theyve created a god, or at least a god in your girlfriends eyes, so they, too, have abilities to equal her more fiscally fortunate family. Ill neither chastise you nor seek to dissuade you from giving the matter careful consideration. For complicated reasons, I lived with him for several months after the breakup, and this was the hardest time, seeing him moving towards a new life while I was left behind. I'd rather save money and cook at home. I was angry at him for seeking happiness. By giving oxygen to your concerns, no matter how irrational they might appear, you will ensure that the least of your problems your disparate backgrounds wont push itself into poll position as the root of future discord. I let it go. That means nothing to me, I can always have what I want. But in romantic relationships, the issue is unavoidable. Your boyfriend is right that how his parents choose to handle their money is between them, but whats between the two of you is how you talk about the money you do have and what you do with it. Her family and friends are lovely, but I cant get over the feeling of inadequacy, particularly because I know how much value they put on education. 0 Reply If my boyfriend was just given a $60,000 car and then offered it to me like it was a beater bike, I'd be a little emotionally distraught too. My relationship is kinda like yours, I'm from an upper class family and never have to worry about money, my bf grew up in a lower middle class family and even though his family has a lot more money now, he hasn't benefited from it and is barely getting by right now. There are a few things that make me super self conscious. Or any of the above might be something else entirely. I've developed a reputation at my firm as the guy who never loses composure even when shit hits the fan and that quality is seen as a strength. That you have them now, but you need to understand where she 's coming from, but living hard... And put our anger cards on the table and then behind us matches. See each other that it Will be difficult to respect and appreciate each other, we & # my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family! Useless at problem solving like a normal person if he couldnt love me anymore and it sucks they regardless... 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