I felt accepted. The only time we have any contact is dinner and it is as quick as she can get away back to the bedroom. You felt so intensely, youd give your life to prove to your partner their worth. He was super patient with me. I resent him bc of the kids. Now he says I abandoned him and Im an abuser. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. I camouflage extremely well and I can hide the Aspergers for the most part. I dont want to leave but feel that there is no choice as I am not going to keep living like this. Im doing 99% of the chores and getting groceries etc. I;m 45yo and have AS, was diagnosed at age 39. My biggest advice to you all is to research trauma bonding. I knew deep down he loved me, I loved him but I could not keep subjecting myself to the pain and rejection. It was good to understand it in an intellectual way, but still a year later my feelings don't follow reason. His end point was that, this time apart will help me in knowing if I want to be in a relationship with him, as he will not be able to give me what I want in terms empathy, affection etc from that point onwards I started to understand that he has actually taken time to reflect on his behaviour and doesnt want to ruin my life or make me unhappy, as he is not going to be able to change his ways. But what we can do, is be authentic and build a meaningful life. Please correct me if Im wrong. I have issues with work place/school relationships not progressing to the next level. I want to tell her how I feel today, that I feel sad about how things are but I know that will make her feel anxious, so I have nothing to say. In his world, gaming during every free minute has nothing do with his love. Common ASD symptoms are motor coordination challenges, delayed decision-making skills and problems with executive functioning (those higher-level thinking skills, like multi-tasking). The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". Aspergers in adults is typically seen as an individual with an above average intellectual ability paired with severely . We are in a long distance relationship for 1,5 years. I tried silence that did not work then one day he just said we are finished would not speak to me so I left and have filed for an annulment. Simple things he just said he was not going to do or change for me or anyone. He will not want to discuss your tender feelings. Your partner had seen the worst of you and loved it deeply, but suddenly this tiny detail was catastrophic. She tries to remind me of any nice times that we have had recently but its as if I have deleted them. In fact he went overboard. If this one ends I can't see trying again. 19 yrs. Once he told me she doesnt believe psychopaths exist, that it is an illusion. Days where I day to myself, why even bother with the hardship and better to just let go and move on. We admit we do not know what NT's mean by 'love', especially as NTs are so duplicit or at least fickle. No one is expected to relate to 100% of this; however, hopefully it will highlight the different perspectives and provide some helpful tips to rescue your relationship in coming articles in this series. It's a frustrating experience that can leave the other person feeling confused, hurt, and rejected. If you love an Aspie be prepared to lose your identity. The silent treatment is painful, but it helps to remember that its not my fault. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. If mine didnt take sertraline, our marrserotonin, definitively be over or I would be dead. I feel like all I have to do is to attract his attention to the issue and only a professional can do this, not me. There are also times to Stand Up, Speak Out and Talk Back. Empaths who are not brave cause as much damage as those with Empathy Dysfunction. However as months went by the more he opened up or let out his emotions the more he would pull away. His eyes show no soul inside. I wish I could be positive. I guess I just needed to vent to people who know what I'm going through. Im finding doing the right thing or predicting an outcome difficult and also having faith in someone so distant. He said it would be a disaster and that he doesnt want a scene. My biggest problem is once he hits a long enough period of time of childish silence by the time hes done Im done! I did ask him if he had Aspergers and thats when all the blocking happened. Now I feel guilty and keep thinkinf if I were toxic, and have to deal with his indifference. I generally like to stay positive on this blog and assume that people are not necessarily "evil" but simply misguided. Ashley. But at a certain point you have to move on. I cant make sense of whats going on in his head, whats leading him to justify himself and carry on like this. They were the ones who thought he might be on the spectrum. Even if its a tentative diagnosis, when he starts having suspects, he himself may dig into it much more deeply. He told me when I first met him that he had limitations and was dysfunctional. Its all about THEM. Tried to learn everything I could. He wants to talk about computers, math and physics, not about confusing humans that are totally unpredictable. I wish I would have yielded to the red flags and told him, NO! They create a mask for the rest of us, but anyone will tire eventually if they have to pretend constantly. If people truly understood what we live with, they wouldnt offer platitudes. So you guessed it. Ive been married for less than a year and already I have found myself in the vicious cycle of being ignored repeatedly. After 2 years with an undiagnosed man with Aspergers (I have taught public school for 32 years and we know autism), I am left with crippling anxiety and a complete lack of equilibrium. Self-help guides and traditional couples therapy arent going to fix these differences. He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. It has been a journey, im still trying to process many things, the gaslighting, and still have feelings that I was maybe the crazy needy person in the relationship. I suspect it will go on longer. We usually argue and after that he ignore me, then we get back and continue argue but he dont tell me what happen to him or how he feel, when i asked he just said "i'm good". It benefits nobody. Example 1. Take care. Edmonton, Alberta. I think you did an excellent job of expressing the perspective of an Autist. So to save alot of heartbreak, upset and unecessary mental grief for all..be true to who you really are. I myself am having trouble just getting through my day. It seems like this is my only shot and if you agree on a video session, I am planning to talk to him. Kathy, I appreciate your comment on taking care of myself, but do you have a suggestion on how I can rebuild my Aspie husbands trust? If the Aspie goes silent, we need to make them aware that this is a form of abuse and clearly explain that you will no longer be available to support them until they get support and they need. You are walking a tightrope. Making friends can cause anxiety because of the high expectations people set and any self-consciousness people with autism may experience. This Is what is meant by detachment. I think I make it worse by constantly trying to get him to talk. I became at peace living without him but would be distressed because how absent he was in this break, where I thought he would have to be doing points to win me back. We have been together for over 2 years. But, I fell in love Most honest man you could meet. Hes reluctant to admit that theres a problem. Your decision to protect yourself came at the expense of losing someone you cared for (and cared for you). How to confront your Aspie. Also years of being an outcast picked on psychologically and physically abused means I tend to assume at a subconscious level people probably won't like me, when reality turns out not to match you deep seated insecurites it can be exciting but also frightening. He constantly will just get dressed and leave and then come back surprised I got worried about him. Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2) In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly I just want things to return to normal, because now Id know what to expect and how to handle things and stop taking things personally. She is my daughter and I will always love her. I accepted that. Aspie find it hard to verbalise and speak in logic. Take care. Finally, prompted by his wife, Barney saw a clinical psychologist - and was diagnosed with Asperger's. He says suddenly his lack of social skills, his bluntness and constant search for order made . Then, silent treatment completely. I have noticed a pattern of withdrawal in friendships. But first they will berate and belittle you so you cant go on finding the truth because youve been so badly trashed. Only when he has some sort of an emotional meltdown his goes silent. I dont know what to do any more, its so confusing and I feel rejected. Please take care. Its a difficulty, not an excuse. I have known him for two years and in the relationship a year. Someone told me once that an aspie has lived there whole lives being told what they are doing is wrong or rude etc so that pain for them must be very real gor them and difficult to process whilst living in a constant state of anxiety.even one argument or verbal disagreement can be devastating and lead to shut down to protect you and themselves they will care but not know what to do as they do not follow social norms. I explained this but like all other NTs she didnt understand and assumed I was exaggerating. I started to read a lot about it, especially when I was down and needed an explanation for how he treated me. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. I decided to ask for a break of the relationship because I was on the verge of a mental breakdown as to how I felt invisible and not cared for. Its been almost a year n half since he spoke to any of us in the family. Im going through a hard time at the moment. He gets these ideas that aren't really founded in rational thought and then just runs with them to far away places and there is no convincing him that his initial premise is mis-guided. That day has come, sad as it is but Im loosing myself and getting nothing back!! In our group you will discover that you are not alone. This page has made me realize there are others like me and it is somewhat comforting. At first my anxiety and insecurity went through the roof, two months later I am still suffering with anxiety but not as bad, but now feel so much anger and hate of this selfish narcissistic man, who had no though for me what so ever. He wont go to the drshe definitely has aspergers. He was and still is in strong denial. Its totally private but is unique in that both NeuroTypical and NeuroDiverse can participate. So, sometimes you do all you can do and say all you can say, but their reaction is completely bizarre. Showered me with tons of presents. I didn't think it was a good idea. At first I was upset, and now I feel beyond lucky and blessed to have escaped when I did. You cant just teach each other about your own differences if you dont know in what ways youre different or what those differences mean. I hear your pain and share your feelings of devastation. He called me a week later from the psychiatric ward to tell me that we wanted different things but that he loved me and had been happy in our relationship. They clearly do not know what is going on. They found the smallest ways to ruin things for you, like wearing the wrong clothes to a semi-formal occasion or spending an anniversary playing video games.