Excellent advice from the Captain. I also have this insecurity that most people dont really like hanging out with me, so deep down, Im kind of concerned that they mightve changed the plans and forgotten about me when they let everyone know OR that they changed their mind about hanging out with me but havent come up with a graceful way of canceling. One time, someone who knew my other half turned up at my house where he was staying at around 4pm, and was still there at 9pm. I MIND! And I dont actually talk about the wedding that much simply because I find it tedious when someone else keeps going on about something. It was really bad in the dorms in college, but w/ the phone/texts, some of my people still get a little shirty about it when I just turn my phone off so I can have some peace and quiet and eliminate temptation to putz around on apps for no reason. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. Word. I said yes! He isnt a part of me, you know, hes another person that you can invite or not, and Im not a mind reader to know you want him there unless you, well, say so specifically. If someone is discussing a plan in front of you, they know youre there! Pick your clothes up off the floor, make the bed and for the love of God, make sure it smells good in there. Your comment about you deserve specific plans reminded me of a friend (these days more of an acquaintance) with whom I would make dinner plans on a semi-regular basis. Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. Ive dealt with men who were sex addicts and/or kept parts of their sex life extremely secret from their SOs, often because they knew they were doing something that would upset their SOwatching torture porn, having an illicit relationship, etc.and they would ruthlessly schedule and micro-manage everything to keep their life compartmentalized. Drop-in culture has a certain requirement of flexibility and time that Im not sure really exists where I live, anyway. No matter how close we are. It also varies depending on how close my relationship is with someone. Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. Mind you, mine is always early so Ive never had a chance to try this but it could work. Shes my full time carer and she has a job, so housework is one more stressor. Your presence will glorify this party. There is no amount of money that exists that would get me to play softball (Gym class PTSD). - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 But why do people think the fun event that X wasnt invited to attend is fun for them to hear about in any way at all? Or is the drop by the first time they are coming over, and how do they even know where I live? ANYONES GUESS! This is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups. is way more hassle than Hes here; Im leaving now especially since Im usually fleeing with a handful of stuff that hasnt quite made it into my purse yet. Come and help me usher in a new age. Something like hey! So yes, for a lot of people it IS shame-cleaning. In the rare event that Im having chill-out time, thats because Im desperately in need of doing nothing / reading / watching Dr Who with my kids, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to interact with another person. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. I have pretty much had it. Then, make a conscious decision to switch your focus elsewhere: on another new friend or date, on a hobby, on a great book youre reading, on showing up in some way for the people you already know and love. For example, my friend M, told me about a cultural quirk where he grew up in Brazil. You can make plans to meet up with them during their lunch hour, but you dont interrupt them whilst theyre working; I dont know if thats a British (specifically London) thing though. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. Either people are too illiterate to understand what the word means or believe it doesnt apply to whatever it is they want. While at it, be sure to give him prior notice before the proposed hangout date or time, as if you ambush him he may cancel on you due to prior plans or even simply because his apartment is messy. want to come down and get food? and its not a problem (or at worst ill say, whoa still in bed but come up and ill get dressed and then we can go.) and ive had friends who say you walked by my apartment? 4. Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed.. I am never trying to go along with them to a place they were already going/were. Which, actually seems a little counter intuitive, because youre asking them to make an additional effort to hang out with you, instead of you just tagging along, or showing up, they have to put on their going outside pants. I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. Taken together with the overall vibe of your friend drifting away lately suggests that perhaps a mismatch in reciprocity in this particular friendship. How to Get Over a Guy You Had a Crush on Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Also, I love the distinction of Ask v. Guess (and boy does that explain some things about my boss). Here is how I think of this in my brain, if I am making plans I am always attempting to make plans to 1. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. My friends are well aware that they can show up. And to the subject of unexpected visits. I had to train myself not to. Thanks again guys! I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. Sometimes it's totally fine. It didnt occur to me that that was what I was doing, I was just excited, dont get to see her much, and the bike shop is close to her home. There are people who use boundaries as a tool for good and people who use them as an excuse to be douche canoes. I dont find that this crimps my social life at all, for what its worth. Thanks for the reply, thats really helpful to think about. Maybe they forgot to tell you, or assumed the invitation was obvious, even if it was unspoken, or they just missed adding your name to a mass message that was sent out. and if someone who has acted like were the best of friends doesnt invite me to something i would have expected to be invited to, and then proceeds to talk about it non-stop in front of me and acts like were still super close? I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. They might get well, Im busy and will be gone in half an hour or nope I am taking a nap I will see you later response, and thats all cool. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. And I thought she didnt because she didnt answer my texts. It cant have been fun for them, can it? I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! Learn everything about your strengths, desires, and shortcomings. That theres no polite way for me to say Welp, Ive had enough talking, I need you to leave so I can take off my pants and binge watch Steven Universe for an hour before bed. Or if theyre not ok with it, Ill bring a book (well I bring one anyway) and sit in my car and read until its suppose to start (because suppose to and actual are different times and that seriously bothers me). My space is not your space friend, it is mine and I want to keep it that way! One night at around midnight one of them (we shall call her Britney) woke my by pounding on my door with such ferocity that I thought there must be an emergency, so I opened the door. I stopped hanging out with them for several reasons, but this was a main one. A no is a no. Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). ! when someone shows up unexpectedly, and I only attend events I have been expressly invited to. It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. Its best to assume theyre not into drop-ins unless they make it clear they like that kind of thing. talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, Questioning Questions | Aceso Under Glass, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. and if someone doesnt go away and my dogs arent already loose in the house (and therefore at the front door barking at the person to GO AWAY), I can also from this position get to wherever the dogs are kept without being seen, if I am careful and let them loose to express their barky opinions up against the door glass. Some statement like: my kid is really really excited about T coming over and wants to do X and have ice cream with them, what works for you? Again, its probably fine in passing, as in yes, Susie Cream Cheese mentioned her mom had come to visit when she and I had coffee the other week or whatever. And by you I mean me. No one should have to see that. They also seem to have no problem saying no when the answer is no, and specifying that theyre only free until x time, so Im comfortable asking. They think Im being silly when Im unsure like that. I came down to help full-time, 24/7, with my grandmothers care; sadly, she died a while back. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. Its also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. I have two anecdotes about the dangers of drop-ins: 1. But its also something that should be communicated in the friendship. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. Im from a small, rural town, and in my small-town culture, people would routinely drop by your house if they were passing by and saw your car in the driveway, especially if you were close to them. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. Im used to my home being PRIVATE space. Not ask, just show up with boyfriend But maybe thats me assuming everyone else suffers from certain GSFs. But you were not invited to this house for dinner and the fact that I am able to feed the person I am dating when they come over does not mean I am able or willing to extend my food budget to cover whatever rando happens to turn up at the door. Eventually setting boundaries felt like personal rejection. Oh, great! And if its someone who Im far enough from intimate with that I need to clean up and make some kind of snack to offer, then that requires more notice. Ugh, yes. If this were a healthy friendship, that would be fine. I really disagree with that, for two reasons: 1. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra? Thanks guys. I use Handcent SMS instead. But I care. Not saying its bad if you are closer friends with Chip compared to Dale, but Id say one of the key points of friendship is showing your friends that you like them and want to spend time with them. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. That will give him the idea that you are busy and likable to people, and he will have more interest in you. Me: I have a thing in the morning. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. 2023 Leaf Group Ltd. / Leaf Group Media, All Rights Reserved. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? they just didnt want me there. It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. ", but if you let them know you're interested too, they'd be more than happy if you came. understanding what the other person wants you to do or say about it Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. Call first. A simple text letting him know you're looking forward to hanging out is sufficient. We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. Arrangements with friends have all been clear so far. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. Whatever actually made him angry (my tortured hypothesis, simple embarrassment at being caught not working, sheer cussedness) was probably very hugely not about you. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. And I dont want to raise expectations falsely and unsustainably. NEVERRRR, Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. And my mother in particular telling me to get over it if I express displeasure with her dropping in. Her friends tendency to just withdraw a little makes it unlikely that asking will yield good results. Me: Goodnight, Britney. Thats what I mean. I think thats *incredibly* relevant to this issue. Also, no one from my work is ever welcome in my home, because the streams must not cross. I dont expect everyone to like the same things I like or vice versa, but different strokes for different folks. Dont just show up. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! How about you suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it impossible for him to say no. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. It should be noted that I live in an area with notoriously shit cell reception, so sometimes people cant text or call. Not only do people knock on the door randomly to see how the house is coming along, but many of them just WALK RIGHT IN! At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. I like to be able to decline social invitations. On the other hand, there are people who I know if they showed up unannounced, I would feel violated and not happy at ALL. "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." (Proverbs 25: 15) And maybe its just me, but honestly? My neighbors friends all seem to find a perfect place to park while going in to get their friends: RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE TO DO SOME WEIRD STEERING WHEEL MANEUVERING TO PARK MY DAMN CAR. I like to be left blessedly alone without the shoulders-up-around-my-ears anticipation that I am about to get invaded or called ten times in a row about bullshit, which is a feeling I have pretty much all the time when not at work or when it is not between midnight and five AM, the time when my mother might be unconscious for a few blessed hours, because all other times of the day are possible nMom intrusion times, either in person or by phone (and, if I dont answer the phone, she will definitely show up in person). A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. So maybe but I guess will never know. I may be doing nude dancing. If Son and T are friends, cant Son invite T over himself? Im not the kind of person who would appreciate a random drop by. Applauding the efforts of organizations and individuals who are doing something good. You are invited to the birthday party of my sweet little baby who is turning one on coming Sunday. Im coming in late and have enjoyed looking at the different takes on dropping by. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. On the other hand, I have this one friend who tends to make plans and then get busy with other things and forget to follow through, and Friend has told me more than once that I need to be more persistent about hanging out because Friend is borderline ADD and WILL forget to get in touch with me to arrange hanging-out time if I dont press the issue. I dont put up with the GSFs these days, but yeah, I totally used to feel stressed about it. I really like to have control over when I am around people. c. Dirty Dishes. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. Of course, some people are just bad at initiating, and can get into a lazy habit of letting the other person do all of it, but it could also be a sign that shes not as into this friendship as you are. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. Also my floordrobe? So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. He hadnt received the email and was furious. It's a public place. (However if it is D&D weekend I might just tell you to come over anyway!). I had to talk to my best friend gently about that. We empower you to efficiently solve each new challenge and make your life better and easier. Keep it minimal and casual. Home Security / By loviehomes. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to kick the rest under the bed until you leave. If you cant, at least call to update me! Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. I dont even know how to make polite noises. Who DOES this? They would invite you if they wanted! I moved a year ago partially to be closer to friends; after making suggestions and having them declined or canceled at the last minute, over and over again, Ive told the Brom that if hes offered a transfer out of state, Ill start packing today. Yeah. I know its immature, but I dont want to cut all ties, and I have to deal with them in some kind of way that doesnt make me feel so anxious and on edge. I want to live in the world of calling cards. Hi! Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. Come over! Sometimes we had a great time, or got to catch up quickly when both of us had been busy. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. Especially ride-share to that conference, carpool, etc. No amount of money that exists that would be fine didnt realise the combination of and! Too illiterate to understand what the word means or believe it doesnt to... Just now, but if you cant, at least call to update me, he. 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