But she still bothers me about renting a place for herself,her brother and baby. He has started to see a psychologist, and I have also met with the psychologist. So I really would like to see you working in therapy on overcoming whatever it was in your own life that got the fears started. I am at a loss as to what to do reached that what is the point question. Only now, when it is too late, do I realise how selfish I was. Ive told him its what I need for happiness and security. Hell take me out on dates, cook me dinner, and most importantly, putting up with me no matter how much I seem to push him away. Zeki & Romaya (2008) looked at people's brains while viewing images of the faces of people they either loved or hated. And i did this to him. What do I do? He started applying for new jobs to return back home but he didnt get them. Her parents were divorced at 19 and her mother took her and moved across the country, mother eventually remarrying. Is it a lack of listening? He says he forgives me and has moved on. I trusted him. Do you have any comments on what I should do in order to truly gain her trust back. I added a few friends from my childhood one was a male and he lost it then wanted to leave about a week after my brother passed away. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. He tried to make me see advantages of keeping the account ober the disadvantages. We both have grown a lot and both are willing to do the work . I told him to maybe give it a year before we actually start dating again though I will be here for him to talk to but I suggested him to write me letters instead of calling me. About 3 and a half years ago I lied to her about my brother dying. He makes it seem like hes too busy for me now. I think were emotionally ok, we talk every day about how we feel and whats going on in our lives. What he feels is happening to him not you. For the first 5 years , we were great. I know I did not handle it right myself. I had a serious relationship with the man but we eventually broke it off because I couldnt get over my friend .. Dear Dr Deb.,please help me.. I dont know. This relationship I have with my husband now is a completely different world for me. If you dont give me money anymore, someone else will..bla bla bla, This is the lady i took care of even before she got pregnant for someone and i continued doing so till her baby almost 2yrs old. He said he had done all of that but he did it on steroids. One more thing: You have both spilled your guts about the negative. Can you get him to see a therapist? Wrong time, crossed wires and past issues. It is hard to do but move on, take the pain and be patient. Wow, thats awful. He has to commit to making changes or getting help if he cant figure out how to treat a woman by himself. It really hurt me so bad too. Thank you! I left him and he kept contacting me but I wanted nothing to do with someone who only looked at me as a way to get sex and be so insensitive to disrespect me and cheat on me. Especially since it is only recently in which Ive started to figure out who I really am, beyond the grasp of my controlling family and safety blanket. But , I would only change for a while. However, your problem is related in the following way: Men who focus on the body have a lot of trouble focusing on the mind and spirit. Now we're married.". After she had enough of my pushing, she finally pushed me away completely and is going to stay with her lover. Please, any feedback is helpful. I must add I have never felt worthy of his love. When the time came to do all this we ended up having some problemsfor one, the camera did not record like planned so that part of my husbands fantasy to watch that was ruinedand on top of that the man that I was with had a little much to drink before all this started so it took a lot longer than we had planned And I realized how long it was taking but I didnt take the initiative to do something to stop itI wanted to.. Im so hurt right now. Not to be a buzz kill but counselors who would be qualified to help you are few and far between. Were 3 weeks now into our break but she has contacted me just to talk about finances, I could hear the frustration and anger. I have to live with it now. We both still love each other more than anything in the world, but that cant survive without trust and respect. Ending a Marriage When You Still Love Each Other. im so confused, not too mention there has been a pregnancy and miscarriage too since he said i no longer love you, it was his baby. I can have a very bad attitude at times when Im hurt and disappointed and unfortunately there is or has never been any true remorse or apology for the abuse and violence. Every emktion but happiness. I have 2 kids under the age of 5 and he was not ready to be a stepfather, so i stop myself from liking him more than i should. I was stubborn for not doing this a long time ago. Keep smiling even when it hurts. Anyway, my real question is this. This is frustrating her and causing her to give up hope. Thank you for your comment, Craig. We are in a long-distance relationship, but we were a very happy couple. You can always email me directly to get details. please help me what to do ? I work while he stays with our kids at home. Is there a chance? The thing is, I know what hes going through because I fell out of love with him as well a longer while back, but regained it again, a new deeper love, over time through both his unknowing efforts and mine (I didnt let him know of it). That, too, usually takes therapy. Questions. But Ive damaged him so severely now, that I cant break through to him anymore. Because hatred and love cause an emotional conflict within us, one of them has to fade away they cannot be equal. No more time for me. Fights are Volatile and Happen Often Every relationship has ups and downs, but not every relationship has frequent arguments. Therefore, its impossible for them to validate you. I mean he swears that he does, but he really broke my heart by saying that to me in the first place. And voila! i am prepared to take as long as it takes even if i an unhappy and alone on the journey. What Im thinking is that you dont know who you are let alone who he is and he has the same problem. distance part. Jeremy, I am a wife of a ptsd Iraq veteran myself. So Im 33 and havent had many experiences with relationships. My ex doesnt express her feelings much. please help me what should I do. And when I ask him why he says he doesnt know he wasnt thinking, and he wont ever do it again .When I explained this to my mom who has a degree in psychology just to get someones point of view she asked what changed in his life recently, and in the past year a lot has, he joined the army in January(which I supported him through it every step) he has had four very close friends/family that has passed away in this very year,and he couldnt come home for the funerals one he didnt even know about until months after then his mother told him on his happiest day (graduation from basic training), hes a only child and his mom is very not on board with him and I getting married so soon and so young, so theyre constantly arguing. Readers may have to figure out mispelled words or phrases. On the other hand, your continued acceptance of him is actually coming across to him as a green light to continue his behavior no matter what he does. Are your feelings really love or fear of loss? We lived off his financial aid money for that year, until I finished school and he dropped out for the first time. The kisses are on the mouth but they are pecks. Tell him how you're feeling. He told me that hes planned on forgiving me, and always planned on getting back together and he tells me that he misses me. Yes, there is hope provided your husband sees the right counselor and he really does not want to lose his family. Counselling and even medication might be excellent choices. I have been experiencing panic attacks, shakes, and negative thoughts that wont go away. What does it take for someone to want to be better? First, you say you are now in love with someone and realize it (someone youve hurt before). Sexy = appealing. The sex will be much better when that happens, I promise you. We had a huge fight and I told him this was the last straw, we were both becoming distant from each other. I love himI just dont want to hurt from the past or not trust a word he says but I do and it kills me everyday. I am devastated. That is what I meant by sexy. But hundreds of calls to her costing in excess of SAR12,000 unfolded. I made a mistake months ago when we had just started dating but he hasnt forgiven me since. The ladt time he was physically, it was bad but I said some EXTREMELY NASTY THINGS & I think that I could have done the same if I had been in his shoes. In this way, she or he will get a much better picture of what could be the problem. The first time we met in person he thought he had my number and was a royal dick to me. I was just wondering if this blog is active, cause sometimes you come across old blogs which are no longer active.. Didnt mean to criticize.. As now one commented on my post and as you are the first therapist I could relate to what he/she writes I would love to hear what you have to say about my post, sincerely.. I broke up with my boyfriend for 3 years. I said things to him like right person, wrong circumstances, and I even told him I wished Id never met him. Our marriage has been rocky ever since. She said she works and is too busy. After an affair, according to Perel, couples that stay together fall into three categories: sufferers, builders, and explorers. The other night was the last straw. Once our bucket is feeling full, we will want to give everything: our time, our attention, etc. When she apoke all she said was that she feels like I dont even like her anymore. Good Morning Dr. Heb, Some feel distant. The girl brought up wanting to perform on my husband, he immediately looked at me..not in a pleading way, but more of a did she just say that? I was unsure about our relationship because its has has its ups and downs. I want to forgive him but, my mind can not stop going back on what they did. Every day I saved her multiple times from aspiration. The last week before I moved out was a bit different. Now he doesnt speak to me and says its my fault because I put him in the box for few hours. The worst quadrant is "sketchy + lose" the best is "win + clean". In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. I really do love her and Ive owned up and apologized. Now he wants divorce. Every argument we have stems from the past, not even anything that is going on now. And in turn he has lost all trust and respect for me. Later when i felt like ok i was ready, secure and had confirmed my feelings i went to him and he also had feelings to, but his recent breakup after me caused him commitment issues(as he says) and said that he wanted a relation with benefits as for now and if he felt comfortable we could take it to a relationship. Then he told me , he really didnt and that he didnt feel any urges to talk or anything. 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